En Suite It Is

I'm beginning the following entry on April 12, 2015. End date as of this initiation is unknown, but hopefully will be in early June. Did my wish come true....???

POST SCRIPT - NOPE! 

Did you know that a bathroom connected to a bedroom is called an "en suite?" Or is it just when it's connected to a master bedroom? Either way, I didn't know that term until recently when I would catch the occasional guilty pleasure episode of "Love It Or List It." Probably bad that I didn't know that, because I have one, and privacy for personal grooming is definitely a luxury that is worthy of a fancy French title. (Well, as much privacy as a person can have when married and/or with small children.) Recently though, that beautiful luxury started to slip away when my shower began leaking, profusely, into my kitchen. As I was now the single owner of my house I choose to at first handle it the way any responsible adult would - I ignored it. But when it started to become too obvious and consistent a problem, I caved and started calling repair people. I'm going to fast forward through 6 months of torture and just say this - home owners insurance is a joke, public adjusters are helpful but a pain, and beware of over-friendly damage remediation servicemen. Bottom line, that leak was there longer than I knew, the resulting black mold and water damage were effecting three rooms, and the only way to fix everything was to gut the bathroom and damaged areas. The dollar signs were choking me. But it was the home's original bathroom and probably was well overdue for a face lift anyway. The too small stall-type shower always bugged me and I never used the whirlpool tub. Not to mention that,  though the space was nice, it was not well planned. Plus, I was feeling the need to freshen things up all across my life. So with this onward and upward attitude I embarked on my new project to achieve Fabulous Masterbath Living, or for short, Project FML. 

I decided that since I am tremendously bad at home decor and design, chronicling Project FML here in blog-land could either be a way to relieve my inevitable stress of the situation, or a way for you (still haven't publicized this blog yet so not sure who "you" is) to laugh at me. Either way, enjoy my next few weeks of torture. I'm told the whole thing will take 6 weeks. I'm assuming 8. Goal is to be back in my bathroom by June 1st. Here we go!

April 13th -The Prequel

Out with the old. And the ugly. And the leaking. And the too-small-to-even-shave-my-legs shower. And the hasn't-been-used-in-10-years whirlpool tub. And the unneeded linen closet. See ya later! Cabinets emptied, window treatments down, bath mats up. Let's do this.

April 14th, Day One - Destruction

This morning I handed my house key to a man with a ZZ Top type beard, gauge earrings, and more tattoos than I could easily count without him catching me (again). But my contractor says Ed is cool, so Ed now has full access to my house. Should I be worried that in less than 4 hours he single-handedly ripped out every bit of my bathroom? And I mean everything. When they say down to the studs, they mean, down to the studs. Nothing, nada, zip-a-dee-do-da is left. Kinda cool! My boys were very disappointed they missed all the activity which I'm sure/hoping at some point involved some serious power tools. All I know is that Ed has my key, I'm unsure where most of what was once part of my bathroom even is now, and I am very overwhelmed about all the stuff I need to buy to replace it. Starting with the tiles I picked out,  I really hope they don't look stupid because I'm going to live with them, like 'em or not. My initial trips to Home Depot, Lowes, and a few specialty stores nearly left me in tears. All I know is I want pretty neutral things. Beige is big in my house. I'm not proud of this, but it feels safe for me. I'm more of a "add a pop of color with an accent pillow" kind of a decorator.  Oh well, guess I'll see how this goes. For now, it's stud-city, and a bit dusty in my bedroom. I intend to stay in that bedroom, but it may require more frequent cleaning. Wasn't counting on that...

April 15th - Day 2, Mold be Gone

Not that I was paranoid that the black mold was wafting down onto my food like flakes of pepper through the faux ceiling I had makeshifted together since last August, but I think for the health of my family I'll be sleeping a bit more soundly tonight now that the mold has been eradicated. And I seriously don't think I've ever met a nicer, more thorough and professional service man than Matt from EcoTech. I may actually do a review on Yelp or something, I was that impressed. The only bummer is there a giant hole from what was my bathroom down into my kitchen. The kids love it, and have invented a new ball toss game called Holey Ball. (My kids creativity may have been stunted by the aforementioned mold situation).Note to self, see if I can get the painter over here this week to start that dry wall ceiling patch stuff. I'm sure he's just twiddling his thumbs waiting for my call. 

View from my bathroom floor, looking down into my kitchen. That's my son Ryan, who is laying on the kitchen counter looking up at me. So glad one of us finds this new direct access from upstairs to down to be "totally awesome."

April 20th - The tub

I showed the contractor dude pictures and descriptions of the tubs I’d narrowed down to. He then told me the one to order. Today he told me he selected the wrong one. Oh sure, no problem, I'll just run that giant $800 bowl of porcelain right back to the Home Depot. No problem. Maybe this time you could give me the correct information? 

April 21st – Jesus Mary and Joseph….the Dust!

Holy God I’ve never in my life seen so much dust in one space, and that space is my God damn bedroom. I thought I could sleep through it, ignore the thickness in the air. But after spending last night choking it in, coupled with the never ending thought of laying in sheets covered in a thickening blanket of it, I am done. So, I’m moving into my stepsons/spare room for the next few days. And heading to the store for some ultra power anti-allergen laundry detergent.

April 22nd….

…and a fresh can of Endust. 

April 23rd…..

…and a portable air purifier.

April 24th - Hallway Toilet

In many ways, having a toilet in the hallway I suppose could be seen as convenient, or embraced as "open concept," but for me, it feels quite white trash. I suppose true WT wouldn't have a hallway in their trailer, but still. I'm slowly but surely accepting this mess of an upstairs is going to get worse before it gets better. I'm not a neat freak (not REALLY) but still, this chaos is making my already delicate mental state teeter on the edge of insanity. I'm sure I have some Xanax around here somewhere. Where was it last? Oh yes, in the (former) medicine cabinet of my (former) master bathroom. Son of a...

April 27th - The bench

Ok, it’s starting to look like something in here now. The shower and tub frame are in and one of the parts I’ve been most excited to see is here – the bench in my shower. Yes, the idea for it was motivated by the sweet thought of a place to rest my foot as I shave my legs, something that I was desperately lacking in my old stall shower. But, if I’m being honest, I was also looking forward to a place to sit my naked butt down and chill as the shower water ran over me after a long day. Or when my neck muscles were on fire…which is often. Or when I just wanted to be lazy and needed more wake-up time. So today I finally got to see the frame of it all built…and I’m not digging it. It’s actually too big, cuts into the space at the entrance of the shower. Crap. Thank god my contractor was nice about it and said he can cut it down into a smaller corner space. And suddenly I’m grateful he screwed up the tub order so that he had no leg to stand on in protest. Or bench on which to sit his butt. 

May 1st – Tile Torture

I knew I’d fuck this part up. Or was it the lady at the tile shop? Either way, the tile is here and it’s wrong. The shower floor tile and accent tile is right, but the big floor and wall tile is gray, not beige. Same design, wrong color. MOTHER FUCKER!!! Did I mention this big, critical step was about to start tomorrow? Glad I was working from home this morning so I could spend all my spare time running my ass back to the store and arrange for a reorder, return, and re-plan of the process. Pretty sure this may make my credit card explode. Tile should be here in 3-5 business days which means Project FML is basically on hold for a week. Wonder if I can get the painter in to start on the downstairs ceiling and repainting my and my sons bedrooms. Oh did I forget to mention I added those projects as well? And that the new windows I planned on getting for the bathroom only has now become new windows for the entire upstairs? The snowball effect is real people. And it is fucking expensive.

May 8th - Restart
I got an email that the new tile is in, but my contractor took a small job while he was waiting, and that job isn’t quite complete yet. Of course. If I don’t see him or his peeps here on Monday, I’m going postal.

May 12th - Getting somewhere

Oh thank God. The (correct) tile is at my house and we’re off and running. Every day there’s more done and it’s starting to look really real. Really! 

May 18th - I’m over it

Over sleeping in Teddy’s room in a bed that’s too hard. Done with having to put flip flops on to walk into my room to avoid the plastic tarp on the floor that is covered in that blanket of dust. Sick of sharing a bathroom with two tweens and their bad pee aim. Tired of having my garage taken over by a sea of tools, a giant table saw, accompanying saw dust, and boxes of wrong tile waiting to be returned. Angry at tripping over extension cords and garbage pails and drop clothes and paint cans. I’m. Just. DONE! But they are not. In fact if feels like they’re not even close. Project FML – damn I was smarter than I thought when I came up with that one.

May 21th – Shower Glass

Ordered. And it’s the last big purchase. Should be in by the first or second week of June. Slightly off my goal of June 1^st but given the tile delay, I can’t complain. Though I’m pretty sure this whole blog entry has been one big complaint. I’m sorry. Almost done with that.  Especially since I do feel like now that it’s all coming together it’s making me, dare I say, happy! Plus my sinks and faucets and cabinet and mirrors have all arrived, and now just waiting to be installed. It’s a good day in the land of Project FML and I’m finally starting to see the fabulous part come to life. Yep, I’ll call it a win for now. But can I still complain about not being back in my bedroom? I really miss my bed.

May 26th – The (missing) Knee Wall

I’ve been thinking that it’s a bit odd that they were laying all the floor tile down before they installed the knee wall that my contractor was supposed to add next to the toilet. You know, for some semblance of modesty while one is dropping a deuce. So, I casually asked when it will go in. He responded, “Um, last week….” Yup, he forgot. Luckily he was gracious about it and admitted his error. And, perhaps in an attempt to make up for the mistake, or maybe because he was just feeling creative, he went above and beyond and built me a kickass multi-purpose one. Not only do I now have a bit of poop time privacy, but I’ve got some handy storage too. Plenty of space for extra TP, wipes, air fresheners, and the all important reading material. Oh don’t even feign that you don’t read on the potty. It’s like nose picking. We all do it, but no one wants or needs to see you in the act. Thus, the wall. 

June 10th – Windows…and my bed!

A very loud day in the house, tough to take work conference calls, but having almost all the windows in and looking so pretty is making me very happy. Almost as happy as the fact that I’m moving back into my bed. The dust situation is now calm(er), or at least under control, the plastic tarps put up and major pieces of bathroom guts going in soon. Oh sweet body contouring adjustable mattress, my dear sweet fluffy pillows, all covered in freshly laundered April Fresh sheets…get ready, mama’s all yours tonight. 

June 19th  - So very, very close

Tub – check! Tile –check! Painting – check! Cabinet – check! Toilet – check! Faucets, (you guessed it) – check! Holy cow, it’s almost done! With the exception of the shower (glass still pending), it’s ready for use. Spending this weekend filling the cabinet drawers, putting up the window treatments, and general décor. I’ve never been so excited to take a pee and brush my teeth.

June 26th – Shower glass delay

Hardware is back-ordered. Not that the contractor or glass people bothered to let me know this proactively. Took several messages to get someone to call me back and let me know why I am still showerless. Waiting, waiting, waiting….

July 16th - Today's the Day.... Shower Glass, the end!

PSYCHE! Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously, are you fucking kidding me? These God damn people were here for 4 hours doing the installation, and in the end it still wasn't done. It seems Mr. Glass didn't template correctly and the door doesn't fit. Three of the 4 pieces are up, and the only thing left is the door,..and I am yet again denied. He wanted to know what I thought of the work so far. "Beautiful, isn't it?" I told him I now know what blue balls feels like. Ok, no, I didn't say that, but I really wanted to. He promised to be back in a week with the new door. Looking forward to seeing him in August. 

July 31st - HALLELUJAH! 

Technically he missed my sarcastic August date by one day, but the shower door is in! I can’t open it for two days, but still. Oh, hey, that does officially put me in August for the conclusion of Project FML doesn’t it? Almost 4 months. Four Fucking Months. This better be the best God damn shower of my life. But it does look pretty, so for now, I’m a happy girl.

August 2nd – The Grand Finale – Shower Day!

Absolutely, 100%, completely, fully DONE AND USABLE. Best shower of my life even if I’m not totally happy with the power of the new shower head (dammit, so close). I’m declaring Project FML and all it’s snowballed side projects officially FINISHED. And how (en) sweet it is!