I read somewhere recently that when we mourn celebrities it's not because we knew them personally, but rather because their work made us know ourselves better. That perfectly expresses why I think I'm taking the death of Prince so hard, why I haven't stopped binge listening to his music since learning of his death late last week, and why I can't seem to even joke about it as I'm prone to do with every other celebrity death out there. For God's sake, I run a celebrity death pool, part of who I am is making light of situations just like this! But it's different this time. Robin Williams was a sad one for me too - I think everyone felt his tragic loss - but with Prince it actually feels personal. Truly. As the days since his passing go on, I'm actually getting more sad instead of feeling better.
Like most people, I enjoy music in my own way, quite a lot actually, but can’t say
it’s a passion as I see it is in others. So even though I of
course have my favorite songs or artists, there are only a very few whose music
I feel is actually part of my soul. Prince has always been on that very short list. I can’t think the 80s and 90's, the most formative years of my life, without hearing something of his in the background and feeling the connection it had to me at the time. (Even if some songs may not have made complete sense to me back in the day. Think I’m finally old enough to fully understand the
lyrics to “Darling Nikki?” Me neither.) His music was literally the soundtrack to this pivotal time of my life, both the songs that the world made popular, and the lesser known but phenomenal work which I felt more intimately and powerfully. I guess that's why there's been this culmination of his music and memories of certain times in my life coming together over these past few days. I thought if I could just articulate some of this, it might help to comfort the part of me I know better because of his work and reconcile this sadness I'm feeling. So here's a bit of my brain rambling, in no particular order and without any particular connection, in an effort to help me get past the sorrow and....wait for it....2 get through this thing called life: (BOOM!)
- The music binge felt overdue. It's not like I listened to his music everyday, though it was always a pretty safe bet that I stopped and listened when a song came on randomly. But still, I was happy to see that, in addition to what's in my MP3 playlist, just how much of his stuff I own on "old school" CD's. This collection somehow validates my mourning, proves to me that I have a right to be sad he's gone, because investing in his music to this degree clearly means I actually really did love his work. I didn't listen to his more recent work, and honestly didn't know a lot of it. I hope to change that. But even if I don't, it's ok. This represents a part of my life and clearly he was along for the ride. Like a good friend who laughed and cried and stood by me during the journey.
- In high school, I was a much more insecure version of my current self. MUCH more insecure. Very afraid to let the real me out to most people. But there were a few in the inner circle that did get to experience it. One day, while hanging out in my basement with my friend Beth, "Kiss" came on the radio. I loved that damn song, and started dancing around, circling the pool table while I skipped and sang along with Prince's falsetto. As it turned out, that became a pivotal moment in time for me. Life changing, actually. As my friend witnessed my behavior and laughed along with me, enjoying the whole experience, she asked me at the end why I didn't let others see this version of me. The question hit me like a smack in the face. It made me realize just how much of myself I was holding back, and how un-fun that holding back had been. It was one of those moments that has stuck with me for years - 30 years to be exact - and ended up helping me truly know who I was, accepting that person, and shaping who I am today. All because I was letting myself feel that song, and begin to accept that I don't have to be cool, to rule my world. (See what I did there?)
- The day after we learned of his passing I remembered that I wrote a paper on “Sign of the Times” in high school. I was amazed (then and now) at how brilliantly Prince captured the tragedy of the era, both as a reflection and a warning. I like to write (duh) so I've kept random stuff I've done over the years. Today I tore my cabinets apart trying to find that damn paper, unfortunately with no luck. Trust me, as brilliant as I'm sure it was (ish) I couldn't have done justice to describing the power of that song. But still, it put a smile on my face to know that of anything I could have written about back then - Prince's work is what I choose. And if I remember correctly, it wasn't so much a choice for me as it was a need to talk about it in the way I liked to express myself the most.
- I’m just back from vacation during which, while we were out for a jog, “Let’s Go Crazy” came on the iPod. We instantly and instinctively starting singing along, slightly breathless, but yet still animated, because that’s what you HAVE to do with that song. It's the law or biblical or something. No really, it's true, look it up. Book of Purple Rain, Chapter 1999. The song during the run made me remember and share the time I was listening to it in my room back in the 80's, dancing around while the song blasted into my head from my WALKMAN. Those foam earpads were wet with my dance sweat, but I still cranked the volume to 10 and, well, basically blew my ears out. The ringing didn't stop for days. I had always thought that when I get my eventual hearing aids I will tell the audiologist that it was Prince's fault. Now I'll be saying it with an even bigger badge of honor on my sleeve.
- In 2004 on a complete last minute fluke I saw Prince in concert with my then-boss, during his Royal Purpleness' Musicology tour. Like I said, it was a total stroke of my good luck that when my boss mentioned he was going I commented about how jealous I was, and that he remembered and thought of me when his wife bailed on her ticket the afternoon of the show. Did I mention the tickets were in the 2nd row? Yup! Before Prince even took the stage he stood 6 feet away from us watching the opening act. I was struck not only be the fact that Prince was RIGHT THERE, but that he was so into that opening artist on stage. (And of how short he was. I'm going to guess in the 5'4 range with his high heels on). When it was finally his time up on that stage, he was simply amazing. In fact I don’t really have the right words to describe it. Simply said, his talent was flawless, so good I wanted to cry. Suffice it to say it was hands down the best show I’ve ever seen by any performer and I'm so grateful to have experienced it.
- From Under the Cherry Moon, Prince's “Sometimes It Snows in April” has always been one of my favorite songs ever. Not by Prince, I mean EVER. It's a close my eyes, listen to every part, sing along or just listen to him, simple song. But it hauntingly sad and beautiful. Ironically, it's about the death of a loved one, a dear friend who was an inspiration in both life and death. Wow is it even more poignant right now. So then I suppose it's fitting I close with a few of its lyrics:
Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last
Good bye, sweet Prince.
Blogfully Yours,
Julie
