I love Facebook. It’s kept me in touch and reconnected me
with so many friends, family, and colleagues, many of whom I hadn’t been able
to see in years. It’s the perfect way to see as much or as little as I want to,
and likewise to do the same when sharing my own life. As someone who wishes she
would have pursued writing as a career, it’s also given me a much needed outlet for
creativity, even if it’s only to quickly share what I think are life’s funnier or more
poignant moments. While I’ve technically got an account on Twitter, Instagram,
SnapChat, and a few other social media venues, Facebook I’ve found is the
most user friendly and interactive. Right up my alley. (BTW, despite my general
apathy toward most social networks, I am a LinkedIn fan, but more for business
reasons. That’s another entry for another day).
Unfortunately though, nothing in life is perfect, and Facebook is no
exception. Or more specifically, the people who use it aren't. Over the years I’ve learned to walk away from (i.e., block friends)
posts that are politically charged or emotionally needy. I’ve got my own
opinions and my own issues, and that’s quite enough for me to deal with, thank
you. For the most part, this approach has eliminated much of the downside of
visiting my beloved site. What I’m left with, however, is my social media pet peeve - those who are just plain Facebook Foolish. These are the folks who think they are making fun or meaningful statements with their posts, but in fact, are really just
making themselves look like tools. It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes. I’m guilty
of a few of these myself every now and then. Frankly, the occasional offender doesn’t
actually bother me. It’s the habitual ones. Same offense, same people. In
most cases, I like the individuals themselves, but their posts drive me up a
wall and make me want to hurt them. But they are
my friends, so I use every bit of willpower I have and refrain. While I’ll never tell who is guilty, maybe you
can recognize yourself in some of the most offensive behaviors below. Remember,
admitting you have a problem is the first step towards a cleaner life. Please,
for the love of Pete, start the cleansing process. - Hands down, numero uno, the biggest “oh my god you are such an idiot” move….over-hashtagging. And though the use of numerous hashtags in a single post is just obviously ridiculous, the real offense here is when you use a hashtag - even just one - in every…..single….post. Stop it!!! A hashtag is not meant to be another sentence, or punctuation to a thought, or a demonstration of your “hipness” to this new social media thing. It is, very simply, meant to increase prominence, trending and ranking in search tools of certain phrases, events, places, and/or topics. Now, I recognize that using a hashtag can add a certain level of emotional punch or irony, so I am ok with an OCCASIONAL hashtag outside of these parameters. The keyword there is occasional. Once in a fucking while. Please. General rule of thumb, if you’re using a hashtag (or God help us, several) in more than one of every 5-6 posts, you’re guilty of over hashtagging, and nobody likes you. Would it help if I spoke your language? #CutItOut #YouLookLikeADouchebag
- I’ve yet to meet a parent who isn’t all too proud to share pictures of their kids. Likewise, the holiday card industry would have gone bankrupt long ago if people didn’t enjoy seeing a family snapshot or two of their friends and loved ones. But there is a limit. A daily picture of your child(ren) or family doing pretty much nothing out of the ordinary is really not of that much interest to me. I’m sorry, I love you, and as such do care about your family, but it’s too much. Everyone thinks their kid is the best, cutest, most intelligent one on the planet. That’s what a parent is supposed to think. But nobody likes a bragger, and frankly, I’ll never think your kid is greater than any of mine anyway, so keep the picture posts to a reasonable number. Along these same lines, if you choose to share a photo album of a particular event, there is no need to put hundreds of pictures in there. It only takes a few choice shots to give me the basic gist of how much fun your vacation was. Or how that special school awards thingy went. Or how Spring 2013 was so delightful. Remember when we were young and an old family member wanted to bring out the slide carousel of their vacation to Yellowstone Park? I can feel your eyes rolling as you recall the agony of having to sit through that shit show. Can’t you just hear the click of the slide advancing over the whir of the machines’ fan? Please remember that pain the next time you're tempted to create an overstuffed Facebook photo album, the modern day equivalent to that slide carousel. Don’t. Just, don’t.
- “Hey everyone, I’m at the gym!” "Now I've gone for walk!" "Look at me, I'm Runtastic!" Oh thank GOD you checked in, friend, I was getting worried that you might have missed a workout.....said no one, ever. Ya know, I'm willing to bet that a good majority of your Facebook friends do some kind of exercising too, so really you’re impressing no one. And if they're not worker-outers, then they definitely don't want to hear about you doing it. Is it a special event, or some fun team outing, or your first Iron Man? In that case, absolutely I want to see it, that's cool and I'm proud of you for a new accomplishment. Post away! But the plain old, I'm here to lift a few dumbbells, get me some cardio, then stop at the store to grab a pound of bacon for dinner...yeah, not so much please. And I really, REALLY don't need to see it every day. There's some of you with gym check-ins that I can set my watch by. Truly not necessary. Not to mention that we see through your blatant attempt to highlight the “good” things you do in order to justify the not-so-healthy stuff you’re likely doing too. In fact I'm willing to bet the unhealthy activity happens more often. I’m here to tell you it’s ok, embrace the bad as well, you are human. In fact I'd enjoy hearing about that entire box of Girl Scout cookies you hid in the closet and ate much more than the gym time. Because THAT is hilarious and relatable. And because I did that same thing last Thursday, but I digress. Bottom line, if you still insist on sharing your “look at me I’m so healthy” gym time, you might as well go ahead and post your bowel movement activity too. Regularity is also, after all, a sign of good health. (By the way, that was sarcasm, please, PLEASE don’t post that shit. Pun intended)
- WOW! You’re eating or have made a food that looks pretty! Or is so very tasty despite being filled with the most natural ingredients on earth! Or (gasp of amazement) is nutritious, delicious, and beautiful! I don’t care. In particular, the pretty presentation is absolutely meaningless. It all looks the same in the end, so why bother with all that effort? Just plop that grub on my plate and let’s get to it. Weird food or dining experience? Then yes, I totally want to hear it. But the “tonight I had a decedent meal of blah-blah fancy food over blah-blah healthy grain with a side of gently sautéed blah-blah vegetable…,” yeah, I seriously don’t care. Rule applies if your dining in or out. And on that note, why are you so amazed at the restaurants ability to make the food presentation so lovely? It’s their job to do that so that people like you will ooo and ahh about it. Now I will admit, I may be biased on this one because I have no interest in cooking whatsoever. And though I do like eating (too much, in fact), I'm quite happy with a dinner of grilled cheese and soup. Bottom line, all the foofy or healthy food talk sounds pretentious to order and/or a pain in the ass to prepare, so either way, I’m not impressed and you just sound like a pompous asshole.
- Ok, look, I’m a bad speller. Always have been, always will be. As far as I’m concerned, Spell Check is a better invention than the wheel. But I make an effort. Could you do the same? And use (or attempt to use) appropriate grammar/phonics skills. And punctuation. And remember to capitalize, correctly. The lowercase first letter followed by all caps in the rest of the word thing is stupid. i mEAN rEALLY dUMB. These are basic skills that you need in life, and when you fail to use them, you don’t sound cool and gangsta. You do, however, sound like an idiot. PS – on a related note and in case you haven’t heard, “ain’t” ISN’T a word, even in the deep south.
- “Look at my perfect life/family/career.” Oh sweetie, there is no one whose life is that pristine. There's a reason why Stepford is so creepy. Please, just be real. Let me hear about the obnoxious thing your teenager did. Just once I'd love to see a post about someone's kid getting crappy grades. I promise I will be your friend anyway, and probably even more so if I can see the flaws in your life too. Flaws are beautiful, and hilarious, and actually are what make people most comfortable around you. We all have them, let ‘em hang! Lord knows I do. Like, for instance, I tend to fixate and get angry about the dumbest things. Facebook posts, for one…..
Julie
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