Ya Never Know The Reaction You'll Get

I'm getting divorced. Wow, that still sounds weird to say. Or write. Or even admit.  It's been over a year that it's been true, but, yeah, still weird. It's been an interesting journey. I've learned a lot, I've grown a lot, I've changed a lot, all of which is to be expected I suppose in a time of major transition. But something I didn't expect to happen was that I also gained a whole new sociological perspective of the world around me, especially of the people with whom I interact. And I do mean ALL people - friends, family, work colleagues, casual acquaintances, and even complete strangers. And it all came from saying those three little words, "I'm getting divorced." 

It didn't take too long for me to pick up on the diversity and the oddity of how people reacted to the news, and it fascinated me so much that I started to keep track. Just a running list on my phone so that someday I could dissect and analyze them further. I've decided that if and when I write an actual book, this will be my subject. There are chapters and chapters worth of commentary that I could make on each communication, and the potential opportunity to help both the divorcee and the receiver of the news is intriguing. For now, though, I thought it might be amusing and educational to share what I captured in their most raw form.

I found that the reactions tended to fall into categories, so I present them to you as such. Well, all but one. I've purposely not listed comments provided by those I categorize as "The Ex-Trashers." I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that these folks existed, as I'm sure they did for my ex as well.  Soon-to-be-ex or not, I respect and will always have love for him. He is my friend and the father of my children, and just because we are not remaining married does not mean he will not be in my life forever. The lesson here for those who may hear or share similar news, keep these kinds of opinions to yourself, or at least to a very minimum. I understand you may want to help me justify the decision, or empathize with what may have led us here. But chances are you'll see him again, and probably in my presence. Let's not make that interaction any more awkward for me than it already will be.

But enough of that, on to the fun. The following comments were the first or very near first thing said to me after I uttered those 3 words. And before you ask, yes, these are 100% actual verbatims, some of which* I heard more than once. Enjoy.

The Flabbergasted:

• I’m shocked!!! * 
  

(also in the form of staring blankly, wide-eyed silence, stuttering of “WHAT???!!!” or "Holy Shit" or "Na-uh, you're kidding" or anything related)

The Confused:

• But....you’re so funny.*
• Ummmm, congratulations?*
• Wait, should I say congratulations or I'm sorry? 
• How can this be? I had no idea!!!! *
• Will you still call me?
• Can I still call you?
• But I don't understand. You never posted anything about it on Facebook.*

The Rude:

• Can't you just deal with it?
• Isn't it too late?
• Why bother now?
• Is there somebody else? *
• Well NOW what are you going to do? 
• How long had it been since you two had sex? I guess it wasn't good, at least in the end, huh?
• Well it's probably best to do it now - you're not getting any younger.
• God, you must be SO scared.
• Yup, saw that one coming.
• Yeah seems like everyone is doing that (divorce) now, giving up.

The "Get Back On The Horse"

• I know just the person I'm going to fix you up with. *
• You know what you should do now? Sleep around a lot.
• I’ve been there. Best piece of advice I can give you - get yourself a fuck buddy.
• Please tell me you have a hot 30 year old on the side.
• Time to get back out there! Don't be nervous. Besides, if you start dating dudes your age, you're going to see more scariness naked than they'll see with you. 
• Men will fuck a ham sandwich if it says yes. Go get yourself some! 
• You put in almost 14 years. That's worth a gold watch. You're good, time to move on.

The Jealous

• No, really, I get it. I really, really get it. *
• Want a roommate?
• Wow......Congratulations!!
• So, how'd you do it?  
• Huh. It really can be done.

The Right Ones:

• I'm sorry. *
• It'll be ok. *
• This too shall pass.*
• No one understands that staying is the easy thing to do. 
• It's ok to take time just for yourself. Be selfish. *
• You're so brave. *
• I'm here - whenever you need me. * 
• Yep, it happens. Wine?

And there you have it. Some of these I'd expected to hear....many, many more took me completely by surprise. But all of them helped me look at how we judge divorce in a whole new way.  And beyond these initial reactions, what's been even more fascinating has been the change in behavior by these same people, both immediately and has time has gone on. It has been amazing in all ways possible. But that, my friends, is a post, or maybe a book, for another day. If nothing else, I hope this first exploration into divorce news communication serves as a lesson in the fine art of "think before you speak." Something I work at every single day.

Blogfully Yours, 
Julie