Like a Fart In a Bottle

Growing up, that is the phrase that my mother used to describe my sister or I if we were too full of energy and didn't know what to do with ourselves. I don't really remember if there was a specific behavior that would trigger this name calling, but it always stopped me in my tracks and made me go into analysis mode. 

What exactly did she mean? Was she being mean to me? Or was it a compliment? Didn't feel like a nice thing to have said to me, but then again, it wasn't exactly an insult either. Or was it? How would she know what it's like to be a fart in a bottle? Maybe it was a good thing. Fun, even. And how in the world did she come up with this expression anyway? Was it a Linda Walsh original? She's had some doozies, but this one seemed out of line from her normal misguided malapropisms. So then where did she hear it? Or from whom did she steal it? A double mystery - origin and meaning - that for quite a while went unsolved.

And why am I telling you all this fart in a bottle nonsense today? Because tonight, as one of my 11-year-olds was pacing the family room, tossing a football to himself from one side of the room to the other, declaring for the 500th time how bored he was on his day off from school, I found myself without so much as a second thought, shouting across the room, "Patrick, will you please knock it off, you're driving me up a wall. Jeez Louise, you're like a fart in a bottle!" Ignoring for a minute that saying it to him was yet another sign that I'm turning into my mother, it struck me how using this phrase was almost instinctive, second nature. And just as it did when I was younger, it gave me pause and led me down the analysis path. But this time, for the first time, I understood exactly what it meant, and sadly, it's really not that complicated. Bottled up farts are explosive, about ready to burst. In fact, the bottle isn't even a necessary part of the analogy, because a fart in a bottle is not vastly different than a normal fart. It's just that telling someone that they're like a fart in an asshole seems a bit more rude, don't you think? But tonight, as I stood there watching my child, with all his nervous energy and no good place to channel it, I could tell that he was about ready to metaphorically explode. A bottled fart trapped with no way out.

I had friends growing up, John and Dave Adey, whose claim to fame was being able to masterfully "cup fart" - fart in their hand and throw it in the face of an unsuspecting friend or loved one who had the unfortunate luck to be close by. I wish I didn't know that sometimes, if they tossed it just right, you could taste it. Likewise, there was a contingent of guys in college who would light their farts on fire. Hilarious and just the right amount of dangerous to be the perfect college pastime. But put it in a bottle? Not only does it seem like it would be tough to execute, but what's the point of just be moving it from one form of containment to another? Seems just cruel, really, both to the person who eventually would open the bottle, and to the fart itself. But the metaphor of it - FINALLY, I got it. Mystery #1 solved!

But what about the origin? Actually, this one I had put to bed years earlier. I forget exactly when but at some point in my adulthood after hearing my mother yet again use this now infamous phrase I broke down and asked her where she'd picked it up. I was confused, horrified, and impressed to learn that she had gotten it from my grandmother's best friend, Grace. A sweet, kind woman who was the Thelma to my Grandma Kitty's Louise.

Grace (left), Queen of the fart bottle metaphor, with her constant companion, Grandma Kitty. Naughty little scamps. 

Though I never heard her myself, I can picture Grace saying it, and can almost hear my grandmother giggling in shock and amusement. Yes, even the most seemingly innocent among us are not above the power of a crude expression.

On that note, I'm really not a fan of the word fart, which might be why I felt a touch of insult when when my mother said this to me, and why I actually felt a bit of guilt using that phrase with my son tonight. (And I suppose why I felt the need to write about it in order to help relieve this guilt.) There really isn't another respectable word for what it's describing, but saying the word has always made me cringe just a little bit, partly with embarrassment, partly with disgust, and partly with "that's not very lady-like" attitude. But what are the alternatives? Flatulence, pass gas, air biscuit, break wind, cut the cheese? All bad options. The fact is, it's just the easiest, most universally accepted word to describe the act. So, I go with it, whether in a bottle or otherwise.  

As for my poor, suffering, bored-out-of-his mind son, he did as he usually does. Looked at me like I had three heads, laughed a little (because I said "fart"), then went back to his bouncing off the wall behavior. I decided tossing the football with him might be a better solve, but he quickly grew tired of my attempts to make him laugh by not taking our game so seriously. Like when I turned my back to him, bent at the waist, and tossed the ball to him from between my legs. And no, I didn't fart when I was bent over....but only because there wasn't a bottle nearby. 

Blogfully yours, 
Julie