Puberty Training

Today my 11-year-old twin boys had their first sex class. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I mean they had their first day of health class about "Growth and Development." Day one of four in which the 5th grade boys are separated from the girls to learn about their changing body, then about a girls changing body, then about STDs, HIV, and abstinence. When the note (permission slip) came home last week I was giddy - GIDDY - with excitement. Yes, for them to be learning about this stuff in a much more structured and correct way than I did, but more for the inevitable questions, misinterpretations, and anticipated conversations between them that I would just happen to be overhearing. I was not there when my stepsons got "the talk" - an unexpected conversation when they were just 8 & 9 years old that started with a question about what a sperm is and spiraled downhill quickly after that. I was both relieved and jealous at the time after hearing how the conversation went. My favorite part being when their father asked if they knew how the sperm got into a woman to reach her egg, with my then 8 year old stepson Tyler answering that "she swallows it?" Their father responded by saying "Well, if you're lucky. But actually...." That night when I got home the boys were very anxious to make sure I knew what they had learned, and then Teddy said the words that I will forever remind him of. "When I get married, I am NEVER having sex. That's disgusting!" Oh how I wished I had a recording of that moment so that I could have sent it, along with a box of condoms, as a welcome to college care package when he got to Penn State. Or maybe as gift sometime when he was in high school? Ugh, I don't want to know. But back to today....

When I picked the boys up, they were already working on their homework from today's lesson. Only 3 statements to address:
1) Name some physical changes that you will experience during puberty.
2) Name some emotional changes you will experience during puberty.
3) Ask the adult that you live with how he/she learned about the body changes that were explained today. (Ha, "the adult that you live with." How very PC of the school district.)

The boys weren't yet finished with the assignment, so I decided the 15 minute drive home would be a perfect opportunity to hear about what they learned and to address any questions. And, more specifically, to get their commentary for my own personal amusement. Here's a few of the more choice questions:

• Why don't they call it "ejection" instead of "ejaculation?" Doesn't "ejection" make more sense?
• How does the ejaculation get out of you?
• Why would anyone want to have an orgasm?
• What's the girl equivalent of ejaculation? 
• When will I have a wet dream? No, I mean, exactly, when? Like today, this moth, this year....
• Will I wake up when I have a wet dream? 'Cause when I have a nose bleed or when I used to pee in my bed, I usually woke up when it was happening. Or I dreamed about peeing and then I was. Will I dream about ejaculating?
• Wait, in an orgasm, the muscle contractions feel good? Why do they feel good? What makes the muscle contractions happen in the first place?
• Why are some penis's circumcised and some aren't?
• What do you mean that uncircumcised penis's are more sensitive? More sensitive how? Mom, WHAT DO YOU MEAN???? Sensitive good or sensitive BAD??????

For the record, it was deemed that I could not adequately answer this last one since I don't have the right equipment, and how could I possibly know what it feels like to have a penis and what penis sensitivity means. Point taken.

As for their homework assignment, they were easily able to answer the first two about the physical and emotional changes to expect. As for the third question, that was a bit harder to address.....for me. Coincidentally and conveniently enough, the boys father is out of town this week. And not just out of town, he is literally on the other side of the world attending a wedding in India. This means that the boys are stuck with me as the the adult who gets to share how I (mostly incorrectly) learned about puberty. Thanks to years of working in women's health, I'm de-sensitized to any embarrassment about genital anatomy or sexuality, so I'm comfortable answering pretty much anything they could throw my way. However, having to admit that my own early knowledge came courtesy of ABC Afterschool Specials, Judy Blume books, and talk on the playground...well, it was downright humiliating. And by the way, MOM, I'm still damaged from finding out during awkward conversations with my friends that making-out and making-love are NOT the same thing, and that a hickey is NOT "kind of like a pimple that you get on your neck."

And so went day one of what I'm sure will be a week of mind-blowing education, more impressive and memorable than any math equation or writing assignment they'll get all year. As the kids went to bed, Patrick's last words to be were to me were "I can't wait to talk about vaginas tomorrow. With pictures!" Me too, little boy. Me too.

Blogfully yours,
Julie