January Gym Griping

The following rant is brought to you courtesy of the millions of advertising dollars spent during the last and first two weeks of the year in order to drive gym memberships. And, by my cranky, “I’m really trying to lose my holiday weight, so no I don’t want your Girl Scout cookies. Well, maybe just one. Box. Dammit why’d I do that, I’m going to have to work extra hard at the gym tomorrow,” attitude…

Oh my GOD I hate the gym in January. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I'm self-conscious enough being there, overwhelmed by trying to remember the different combinations of workouts, knowing how to use the machines accordingly, and painfully aware of my lumps, bumps, sagging, jiggling, and flapping. Having to be there with tattoo'd meatheads and teeny-tiny Miss Thang's all around me, all of whom clearly spend an exceedingly large amount of time there, isn't exactly my idea of a party. But when you add in the onslaught of New Year’s Resolution-ers, gym time becomes nothing but a waiting game for floor space or a free machine. And then, when it's finally my turn, my fat-girl damaged self-consciousness kicks in and I immediately feel the pressure of someone now waiting for me to figure out what I'm doing, get on with it already and just be done. Ya know I ate too much over the holidays, too, people, but I was here last month, and the month before. Yes, yes, not as often as I should have been, but shouldn’t that time count towards me getting priority usage of the equipment versus someone who hasn’t shown up since August? I say yes.  

And then there's the gym newbies. Not the first time at THIS gym, newbies, but the “I’ve never been to a gym but my doctor told me I’d better get to it, and the new year seems like a great time to start,” newbie. Now, I’m not a complete bitch, I get that at one time everyone's got to start somewhere, and I was certainly no different. In fact I was well into my adulthood before I got into a gym routine, and was completely overwhelmed when I started, so I do have empathy for these folks, and I truly do applaud them for getting there in the first place. But…. please schedule a session for an orientation of the place so that you can understand the basics, like how to make the cardio machines start. And stop. (Although I do appreciate the laugh on that one). More importantly though, take a look around you, observe the general etiquette and try to replicate it as much as possible. Need help getting started? My pleasure.

• If there are multiple cardio machines of the same type open, do not use the one right next to me. Do you go into an elevator and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the only other person in there too? If so, we need a separate discussion on personal space. 
• If I am mid-workout movement, earphones in, and more than likely noticeably counting my reps, now is not the time to strike up a conversation. You’re going to make me stop what I’m doing, lose count, and have to start over. Or, in my case, stop altogether and pretend I was finished anyway. Neither is good for me. 
• Please remember you are in public, therefore grunting your way through a workout is not ok, especially when it sounds disturbingly like you’re enjoying the heart pumping activity just a little too much, if you know what I’m saying. 
• I can’t believe I even have to mention this, but when you’re done with a machine, you need to whip it down. And if you’ve been dabbing your sweaty self with a towel as you go, I’d really prefer you NOT use that one for the machines. Most gyms have some type of wet wipes or paper towels readily available. Find them.

When I'm rich and famous, (Ok, I'll settle for just rich. Prefer it, in fact), I'm going to have a full blown gym in my house with a personal trainer who drags me out of bed every morning and works me out in private. No sexual innuedo indended! I really, really want that. But despite my continued investment into the lottery and my 25 year correspondence with Publisher’s Clearinghouse, I’m still workin’ for the man. I guess that means I’m going to have to deal with January at the gym for the foreseeable future. Think it’s inappropriate to place a basket full of those evil Girl Scout cookies just outside the gym entrance with a sign that reads ‘Free box if you cancel your membership today’? Me neither. 

Blogfully yours,
Julie